Life never gets any easier.

Why is it that just when things start to go wrong again, everything caves in? I’m now stuck between a rock and a hard place that even rockier and harder than before, right when I’m feeling more fragile than I’ve felt in a couple of months. Every once in a while, I really feel like someone else is captaining the ship of my life, and not only do I have no say in how she’s handled, I’m chained in the hold and can’t even see where we are.

No doubt, years from now, I’ll look back and say wisely, “Ah, yes, the evolution was clear; from point A to point Q there is a definite shift in states of consciousness and the methods of interfacing with reality.” Right now, though, I’m back to feeling panicky, constantly nauseous, and wildly grabbing for any sort of solid achor to cling to.

I feel tossed around, as if there truly is no land anywhere. I feel like the cosmos has a gigantic secret plan and I’m currently the bug heading for that plan’s windshield. What does the world want from me? What’s my thread in that colossal tapestry? What am I, a billiard ball? A superball? A croquet ball that gets whacked with mallets and other balls? A tennis ball, being chewed by the neighbour’s dog?

No the all-at-sea metaphor works better. You get the added bonus of sea-sickness with the forty-foot waves.

Ha! I go away for the weekend, I blog.

Aren’t you lucky.

I am feeling rather flopsy. Flopsy, other than being the brains of the Rabbit Sisters operation, is the word I use to describe that state where your mind is sharp, but your body is oddly, well, floppy. It’s listless, it’s got no power, you can’t hold a pencil and make any sort of marks that resemble adult writing.

I think it’s because I’m not hungry. Not hungry means not eating much. Some fish here. A salad there. No snacking. (This last is very odd, since my mother made those spice cookies which emphatically fail to suck, as well as having a stash of my favourite Peek Freans Bourbon Cremes. I have no idea where she managed to find them.) What I have been craving, however, is hot beverages. Hot beverages usually mean tea and cappuccino.

I see a correlation. Or a cause-effect relationship here. Caffeine. Not enough solid food to balance it. Enough sleep to be coherent, though.

Hmm. Flopsy.

Well, here I am in variably cloudy Oakville, laptop connected to the Net by roaming function. I’m so impressed with myself. For those of you who know the horrible weather record we’ve racked up in our drives to Toronto, know ye this: it actually didn’t rain. Plus we got a spectacular sunset, sandwiched between the lowering evil clouds and the trees. And I saw the crescent moon, behind a veiling of cloud, attended by three stars.

One of my biggest pet peeves: people who say they’ll do something or address a problem, and don’t. Or who take forever to do it. In my books, if you can’t do it, don’t offer, or don’t agree to it in the first place, no matter how cool it is, or how much you need the money, or how much someone needs your help. If it’s not going to get done, don’t say you’re going to do it. It means that (a) you have to be honest with yourself about your time and your abilities, and (b) be honest with others, maybe let them down, but better that then let them down in the long run after a promise they’ve been counting on.

I hate being lied to. I hate being let down. It means that my trust in someone gets eroded bit every time. I know how hard it is to say no to someone (oh yes, I know), but I’d rather be told no and do it myself then be told “sure!” and think that it’s being taken care of, only to find out that I have to stop the rest of my life and address it anyway when someone else has dropped the ball. It’s even worse when it involves someone you trusted deeply. The more it happens, the less you trust. The rust begins to spider its way through the rest of your life, your walls and flying buttresses weaken, and eventually you trust no one and become very bitter.

I’m trying very, very hard to not be bitter.

Vanilla Coke was launched yesterday! The world is a better place!

Star Wars: Episode Two will be released tonight! (I highly doubt it will make the world a better place, but I’ll get two hours of entertainment out of it at least.)

And…

I got a fifty-cent piece from the post office this morning. As change.

Why wasn’t I informed that the mint was reissuing fifty-cent coins? For circulation, not collecting? Apparently they were released this morning, and the post office, being a crown corp, got rolls to start using right away. It’s about the size of a looney, thin like a quarter, and I think it’s in honour of the Queen’s Jubilee since it says 1952-2002 on it and has our national coat of arms on the back with that lovely Latin motto “From sea to shining sea”. Don’t get me wrong; I like the half-dollar idea, always have. I still have a couple from when they dropped them from circulation (about twenty-five years ago now, I think?). A half-dollar makes more sense as a denomination than a nickel, for example. It’s just… well, don’t we have enough coins? We could always drop the nickel, I guess. (Just stand back when the rabid beavers mount a counter-attack…)

I submitted my applications for the fall semester at Dawson on Tuesday.

Now I�m all churned up again about �Will they like me?� and �What will I do if I�m called for an interview?� and �What will I do if I don�t get called for an interview?�. I checked the contract dates for the summer job postings again; they start in mid to late June, so I might still get a call. The fall semester begins the third week of August, with the deadline for submitting applications being tomorrow, so who can say when those interviews will be conducted?

I want this job. A lot. I need a severe change. I require mental stimulation again. I can feel my spirit straining to return to the academic world once more.

Then I read Ceri�s post on her union being broken.

Teachers are unionized. I�ve never been a part of a union before. I�m one of those people who believes that teachers and nurses don�t get paid enough. Would I stand up for that belief? I�ve never had to test myself like that before.

For those of you keeping track: MLG fixed my laptop�s modem. What would I do without him? (Other than lack for a serious SW dealer and someone to look at me somewhat sternly yet invitingly and say, “You know that if you ever need to talk…”)

Snow. They’re calling for snow. Up to five centimeters of the stuff.

It’s May, for crying out loud. May!