Monthly Archives: October 2006

In Which She Examines Hurt

You do not have to validate negativity. You do not have to accept it.

t! has an excellent column on Naysayers today. Some of its advice came in very handy for me this afternoon as I dealt with the aftermath of the crap that was thrown at me this morning.

Show this person what his words are doing, how he hurts you with them. How he hurts himself by thinking these thoughts, before he even speaks them.

The hardest thing about today has been dealing with trying to point out that I have been horribly, horribly hurt by someone else’s deliberately thought-out nasty words. Words that were unnecessary, words that I didn’t have to receive; words that I feel were given to me because I wasn’t respected. I don’t know if I managed to get the point across, the point that I was hurt by being the recipient of the strike at someone else through me. Probably not. I made the effort, but I doubt it was understood or even heard over the defense of the action.

And now there’s a huge obstacle between people, all because of these words. I’m sure the person who sent them thought that saying those words would make them feel better; however, all it’s done is make everyone feel worse. And I’ve said words back that define who I am, and what my limits are. That’s the only good that I can see of this whole thing. It doesn’t balance out the bad parts, not even close. My day is ruined; the trust I had in someone else has been damaged; I’m forced to try to work through this by pacing, crying, yelling at walls, writing out my feelings and thoughts, seeking to make some sort of sense of it all, instead of actually doing the work that was scheduled for the day. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sit at the computer at all (hence my earlier statement warning you about not seeing me for a while), but I keep coming back to journal things, some here, some privately. It helps, a bit. I work with words. They mean things to me. They’re how I explore. And perhaps that’s why I’m so utterly crushed when someone I love and trust uses them to do something deliberately hurtful to me.

I am, however, lucky that I can think things through by writing them out. By tonight, I may have reached a place where I can actually do work once the boy’s gone to bed. I know that I’m sick and need my sleep, but I’ve got to get something added to this MS, and I just cannot focus through the storm right now.

But first, I’m going to go wash the kitchen floor, because it’s a task that I hate and I can’t possibly get into a worse mood. And I’ll feel that I accomplished something.

Zero Tolerance

Apology received. I had to demand it, but I got it.

If you think you perceive an insult, even an unintentional one, talk directly to the person who originated it and work it out. Do not use me as an intermediary. Do not hand the emotional burden to me. It is not mine. It is yours. Do not insult me on your way to insult someone else for the insult you perceived which was clearly not intended as such.

I have zero tolerance for drama — zero. If you initiate it, and try to draw me into it, I will not stand for it. I am not a doormat for people to walk over, to suck up their resentment about something that does not directly involve me. It may come as a surprise to some that I’m demanding to be treated as an adult after years of biting my tongue. I am fully within my rights to demand an apology for something that treats me as incidental and not worth the civil considerate adult treatment that others merit. Familiarity breeds contempt, or so the saying goes. I’m tired of being walked over by people who don’t see me as an individual with rights and feelings because they’re too close to me.

The day is totally shot, and I’m livid about that as well. I don’t have work days to waste.

What Holiday?

We’re back. Yes, we decided to drive to Toronto, stay one day, then drive back Saturday, and then HRH would drive four hours in the opposite direction to work on Sunday. It was ultimately his decision, and I can understand why he did it: to stay home would mean everyone brooding and a totally ruined family vacation this year.

Well, things weren’t great yesterday, being the day after the drive home, what with everyone being stuck in cars for long periods of time, and both Liam and I with really bad colds, and sleep being not restful. Scarlet and Blade made us dinner on Saturday night after we got home, which was unexpected and so kind, and then again last night, and just before that they even tried to kidnap my son in order to give me fifteen minutes of peace with a cup of hot tea. It would have succeeded, too, if I hadn’t just put him down for the night, two hours early. As it was, I loved the tea, and the thought, and the caring.

I thought today would be all right. Or better, at least. And it’s not, because I just downloaded five days’ worth of mail and found a deliberate insult waiting for me that has made me see red. What little benefit I got from the weekend has been totally ruined. And I use the same phrase I used in the first paragraph to make a point: All that effort, down the drain.

I am livid. And I’ve calmed down to this point, after an hour. I can finally string vaguely coherent words together. I don’t think I’ll be able to work today, I’m so furious.

Email is such an easy way to take calculated shots at people. You don’t have to look someone in the face when you insult them. It’s cheap, and it’s cowardly. And everyone I know and call family or friend should know better.

Don’t expect to hear from me again for a while.