Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Huge Weekend

Lots and lots of stuff happened this weekend. Lots. Not as in going-places sort of things, but as in Significant Decisions. And I am very proud and very supportive of everyone who went through the tough decision-making process and arrived at a conclusion that was right for them, if not comfortable or easy. You all know who you are. (And yes, I’m counted in there too.)

To otherwise generally recap the weekend:

Awesome band practice. I recorded much of the rehearsal using the minidisc, and wow. I now have an adaptor that may allow me to link it into the sound card, so I’ll be messing about with that and Audacity this afternoon.

Saturday night was the 2007 Capricornucopia extravagana, for which my darling Mousme wrote me a role that was not humungous nor expository in any way, and was in fact comedic. I adore Wodehousian comedy, and to be given lines such as “I am off to go look for a suitable frock in which to end my already frightfully brief existence” was absolutely delicious. Also, I got to scream on stage again. This looks suspiciously like a trend.

There is currently scads of snow coming down outside.

Quiet

The plan to “choose silence” and not waste energy on energy-absorbing things that don’t support a healthy mental and emotional environment continues apace. This means, by extension, that my commenting in general is going to decrease. If you’re one of my regular reads, it isn’t that I’m not reading your thoughts; I’m just not saying anything unless I can say something meaningful and say it right. One of my goals is to cut down on idle conversation, because I’ve observed lately by listening to others that it (a) consumes energy that can be better directed elsewhere, and (b) very often creates negative energy that gets spread around. And combating negative energy means using up yet more energy, perpetuating a vicious cycle. I want to spend more time thinking about the words I use, and that doesn’t make for very efficient light conversation. I’m also trying to cut down on the amount of negative energy I encounter, to further reduce the amount of stress in my life.

I still intend to use this journal to work things out, and to keep people up to date on what’s going on. Posting frequency has already decreased to a certain extent, as you may have noticed; it may decrease further, or it may not, as the plan requires.

Back

The weekend was less stressful than I expected, probably because I made the conscious choice to be alone, to focus on me and my thoughts instead of getting caught up in idle conversation. (Or, in the words of another on-line journaler, I “chose silence”. Ivy, was that you? I can’t find the reference now.) Among other workshops there were two lovely guided meditations, a peaceful ritual, and lots of time in my room journaling longhand and meditating about various challenges and stalled areas in my life. I discovered a whole bunch of things and made a couple of personal breakthoughs; now all I have to do is follow up on them, which is not so easy.

Liam had an excellent time with his local grandparents, who stayed with him while we were gone. Knowing that they had such a good forty-eight hours together has opened up a lot of possibilities for us.

Blah blah 2007 blah

New calendar day, except that we don’t have a new calendar yet because our old one had an extra page for January 2007, and we didn’t see anything we liked last week.

I slept dreadfully last night. I’d had a tiring day, as Liam was on the go every moment, and fully intended to go to sleep early. Had a bath. Read Maeve Binchy’s Whitethorn Woods from cover to cover. Was still wide awake around 1:30 AM, and unpleased about it. It made getting up with Liam this morning lots of no fun.

I had a lovely time during our evening drop-in on the 30th; perhaps we will make it an annual thing. I had the opportunity to talk with people I hadn’t really spoken with in, erm, months (I swear it was June just a day ago, I swear), and Liam got to rampage about with Arthur and Devon. The pirate ship was a huge hit among adults and children alike. In speaking with sandman7, I realised that all the events in my life which are supposed to be enjoyable, supportive of the self, or social are work, except for orchestra. This was a huge breakthrough, and further firms my decisions to shed certain responsibilites and positions.

The temperature is stupid. HRH looked out the back door this morning and said, “All my lovely snow is going away. I worked hard for that snow, damn it.”

We went over to my in-laws’ place yesterday for a couple of hours, and they sent us home with a prime rib roast to cook for New Year’s Day dinner. So now you all know what I’m having tonight. And Yorkshire pudding, too.

I don’t make resolutions, but these are some wishes I have for 2007:

– Less self-inflicted head trauma for Liam. In the past three days, he has tripped and whacked three different parts of his head. He’s developing an impressive black eye as a result of not looking where he was going and falling into the heater in his room this morning.

– To regain some sort of interest in food. Food in general, really, but specifically the eating of it.

– The re-initialising of enjoying being with people. I’m trapped between wanting to be out of the house but not wanting to leave, because whenever I do I’m on my way out to do something that has become work and not fun. I’ve never been a people-person, and I’m becoming even less of one because of an aggregate of people-associated irritations (no, nothing specific, just people, argh, you know?).

– Spending more time with certain people. Over the past year I’ve discovered that talking with two particular people either stimulates my mind or makes me relax, and I want to spend more time with these individuals. One I’ve known forever, and the other is still a relatively recent discovery from the past couple of years. (One of them recently said, “So, how are you?” and actually meant it. I can’t remember the last time someone asked me that and meant it, instead of in a light conversational fashion or a general non-specific you-should-take-care-of-yourself address.)

– For the emotional burnout to stop. I’m a listener by nature. People share their fears and frustrations and challenges with me because it makes them feel better to get it off their chest, and this past year has seen it draining me beyond what I can handle. No matter how much I shield and purify, it wears me down. It’s not personal, and it’s not that I want the friends-aspect of it to stop; I just need to take a step back and rebuild my own energy so that I can deal with it properly.

– Rediscover the joy in music in general, and classical music in particular. I have an excellent CD collection, over half of which is classical. Over the past year I’ve been looking at it listlessly and feeling as if there’s nothing I want to listen to, which is ridiculous. I’m toying with the idea of systematically listening to at least one CD from my collection every day, starting with the first one in the top shelf and working my way through the collection. And this wish leads to:

– Rediscovering the joy in playing the cello. I would love to start playing in a classical quartet, with a real coach. I met a Canadian composer last week who asked if I played weddings, and I just laughed. But it made me think. Why not? I’d have to pull up my socks and knuckle down, but it would give me a reason to work on my music more. I am lazy when it comes to practicing, because I can get away with not doing a lot of it. But I always do wonder how much better I could be if I practised even more than the couple of hours a week that I do now. Also, sandman7 suggested that we get together and play just for fun, which is a lovely idea.

Look at that; no wishes about writing and/or career. Things are pretty okay there. Sure, I wish my fiction would take off the way my non-fic has, but there’s time aplenty for all that.

Points For Breathing

I keep thinking there ought to be something important to post, but there isn’t.

We went out and got new fish for Liam’s aquarium today, as the last set died off over the past four months. I must stop flirting with birds and patting kittens in pet shops.

People coming over this afternoon, possibly. We’ll find out when/if they arrive.

I finished The Boleyn Inheritance in a day and a half. I’m enjoying reading instead of working this week. I’d forgotten what it’s like to just devour books. Particularly books not connected to something I’m writing myself, which qualify as “work books”.

I’m struggling with the end of the calendar year approaching and feeling as if I’ve accomplished nothing in 2006, which is a load of codswallop because I wrote a book, mothered a toddler, wrote parts of two other books, saw my third book published, created a new website, performed the marriage ceremony for two of my dearest friends, and performed in five concerts of various types. I read a lot, and researched a lot. I did a lot, but I don’t feel as if I accomplished a lot, which leads me wonder what I’d quantify as an “accomplishment” these days.

There’s more to this thought, but I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to publically post the rest of it. It needs more rumination and work, and while what I’ve written out is plain and true, it doesn’t sound very bright or optimistic. But then, recognising non-beneficial things and planning non-popular change rarely sounds perky or celebratory.

Quiet

I’ve been getting things done: Christmas shopping (finished!), reloading programs as I need them, designing a new website, sleeping. Plus I haven’t been very talkative in general, so that translates to not much journaling in any form.

In other news, we have had two roasts and a lasagne in the past seven days. Apparently the comfort food season is upon us.

We had an exhausting but encouraging Messiah rehearsal last night, our first with the choir and soloists. By the end of it I was so weary that I couldn’t translate the music I was reading into actual movement. We’re playing the Skaters’ Waltz again to accompany the freewill offering, which means I have to (a) remember the bassline because I’m actually playing an octave lower than the bass music is written, and (b) remember the triangle parts. The carols and the Messiah sound excellent, however, and I’m looking forward to Saturday night. The only hitch is that I have to be there for six in the evening, which is usually when we’re finishing up the boy’s bath. We’re going to try to get him down a bit early so the neighbours who will be staying the evening don’t have to try to put him to bed, but I don’t know if it’s going to work. It depends on what his day has been like. If it goes badly I may have to leave HRH at home.

Also, due to rearranged seating to fit the orchestra into a small space, I am sitting directly in front of the conductor, which is very odd.

Remember: This Saturday night at 7:30, The Messiah at Cedar Park United church, corner Lakeview and St John’s Blvd in Pointe-Claire (one block south of autoroute 20)! Admission is free; a freewill offering will be taken halfway through the concert for various charities.

HRH’s work appointment was cancelled today, so we’ll be going to get our tree once Liam wakes up from his nap instead of doing it on Sunday as was our original plan. There’s something mildly disturbing about shopping for Christmas trees in temperatures that are ten degrees above the seasonal average.