I have discovered a way to beat the heat. And no, it has nothing to do with spending time in a grocery store, hugging bags of frozen peas. I actually dislike grocery stores in heatwaves; they’re too cold, so that when you walk outside again the humidity hits you like a huge wet pillow and your knees buckle for a second or two.

No, my solution is a stay-at-home, do-it-yourself kind of answer. It presupposes you were in a supermarket in the recent past, however, and that you have chicken or some such thing in your fridge or freezer.

Go into your kitchen; turn on an element on top of the stove. (I know I’ve lost some of you already, because most people go into the kitchen to open the fridge for ice water in weather like this. Stove? What stove?) Melt some butter in a pan. Slice your chicken up and stir-fry it. If you want to get fancy you can add some onion, but really, don’t worry about it.

Stand there in front of the stove, and fry that meat.

When it’s done, slide it onto a plate, cover it loosely, and put it in the fridge. Don’t forget to turn off the stove.

Walk out of the kitchen. You will immediately notice a huge drop in temperature. Why, it’s almost as if the rest of your place of habitation is cool!

In addition, you have the handy cooked chicken to chop up and toss into a salad for dinner later, because that’s about as warm a meal as you want to have. Nice, cool salad, with chicken. Mmm.

You’re welcome.