Highlights of today’s horoscopes:

Gemini: An unhealthy addiction to H.P. Lovecraft novels will lead you to unnatural practices involving a squid and a meat pie.

Sagittarius: A good day to bet online. You�ll win big in the death pools but then feel unusually philanthropic and donate it all to the new reigning premier of Nigeria, who has graciously set up a private bank account, just for you.

Capricorn: A great day as 166,503 gullible Sagittarians fall for your email scam. One of them, an NSA agent, will pay an unexpected visit to your office tomorrow.

From Davezilla, natch, who also listed “The God of Abraham is a jealous God, and still upset that Ganesh can beat him at chess” among Verses that God Edited Out.