That’s Chapter Seven and Eight done. I wish I felt better about it but I don’t. I still have formatting to do, and I know I’m deliberately leaving some places rough or thin enough to be pointed out by the editors. If they do get pointed out I’ll handle them then because I can’t do anything about it now, and the fact that I’m okay with this decision upsets me deeply. I feel like I’m brushing it off, or assuming we can fix it in post-production, or putting the equivalent of a mental sticky-note on it and saying ‘I know this doesn’t work, do you have any suggestions?’… none of which constitute living up to my responsibility.
Everything hurts. My spine is just radiating pain, and that’s made me very short with people today. It’s hard to focus on work like this, because sitting hurts. Focusing is also a challenge because the farther along in the book I go the less structured it is. Part of that is the design of it — the later chapters are disjointed because they’re techniques and recipes and crafts and exercises — but it’s disheartening after having pulled off so much awesome work in the other six chapters. I feel like I’m hacking out rough, rude little approximations of writing and just kind of sticking them in.
Writing a new book sounded like a good idea at the time last July when I suggested redoing this proposal. Sigh.
I wrote my editor an e-mail today confirming that it would be submitted next Friday because I felt I hadn’t been clear when we’d discussed the new deadline (I had proposed the 15th, she suggested the 18th). I also told her about the FMS thing, because I felt I owed her an explanation for not being as on top of things as I have been for the past five years (yikes, has it been that long?). I hadn’t wanted to tell her until I’d handed the book in, because I didn’t want it to seem like an excuse, but I felt she deserved to know on the heels of the juggled deadlines and the proofs.
I’m going to knock off for the day. I’ll do some notebook work tonight. The hard copy has almost reached the point of uselessness because of the fragmented state of the final two chapters. I’ll see what I can do with it. I stopped using it in Chapter Seven because it was easier to do the edits directly in the file itself.
Things would be easier if there weren’t other issues going on behind the scenes here. It’s frustrating that they won’t clear up until the end of next week, which is when I hand in the MS.
“Everything hurts.”
“Things would be easier if there weren’t other issues going on behind the scenes here.”
Don’t take this wrong, because I don’t mean this just about you, it’s about other people too. It is terribly frustrating to not be able to do anything to relieve the distress of someone you care about. *grrr* Hope things pull together soon and you get some relief.
I don’t take it the wrong way at all, and I know very much how you feel. Lately I’ve been leaving a lot of ‘I wish I could help’ or ‘I’m thinking about you’ or supportive kinds of comments in other people’s journals, and I wish I could do more. I try not to whinge piteously often in my journal (as opposed to regular grr-ing and blowing off steam) but every once in a while I just get so frustrated that putting it down helps.
Once the book is done and out of my hands, things will ease up because all I’ll be dealing with (!!) is the boy and the house and the pain/fatigue thing. The book is a big mental and emotional drain, and impacts the pain/fatigue thing by using up a lot of energy I would otherwise be using to keep myself going in the regular way of things.
I’m sorry to hear about how much pain your in! Especially since you are working
with deadlines and it seems like you have little time to recover. I hope the pain
eases! *hugs*
Egads.
–I feel like I’m brushing it off, or assuming we can fix it in post-production, or putting the equivalent of a mental sticky-note on it and saying ‘I know this doesn’t work, do you have any suggestions?’… none of which constitute living up to my responsibility.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You are handling a serious, chronic illness which is currently in flare, a toddler, and a very challenging career all at once. You have worked very hard on this book, and you’ve kept your editor in the loop every step of the way. There is a reason that books don’t magically happen overnight and have several steps in the process, and that’s so that the end product comes out the way you want. Your work ethic is exemplary, but you seriously need to cut yourself some slack, here. :)
Allow me to echo Bodhifox’ sentiment: I wish there was more I could do. You and I still have a theoretical date for tea/hanging out/generally doing relaxing, non-writing stuff one day in the near-ish future when the book is done and you’re feeling up to it. I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten, but I don’t want to put extra pressure on you these days.
I hope the flare subsides very soon! Have you talked to your doctor about it? Maybe there’s another “better living through chemistry” option available out there.
Take care, and if there’s anything you need that I can provide, you know where to find me. :)
Thanks, everyone. I’m just in a bad place and feeling lame. The logical mind says one thing, and the inner critic says another, and we all know who we listen to when we’re tired and wibbly. I appreciate the support.
Like everyone else, I’m so sorry that you’re achy and tired and wibbly (such an apt word!).
Keep on slogging! Sounds like there’s a definite light at the end of the tunnel, now.