Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

On Recent Writing

I’ve written some little dribs and drabs longhand over the past fortnight, bits of dialogue and scenes that don’t belong anywhere yet. It’s August and I’m engaging in the August Writing project as usual, where one writes every day. I missed a few days last week; for once, I’m not stressing about it or trying to write extra things to ‘catch up’. The Wings & Ashes novelette has submerged back into my subconscious to mellow some more; I can’t get into one of the key characters yet, and it’s understandably blocking things as she’s one half of the romantic pairing of protagonists and central to the story.

Yesterday, I sat down and plotted out the entire last half of Swan Sister, creating and writing out the key scenes in point form on index cards and ordering them in such a way that they made sense as a story. I now have the future of the rest of the book sitting on my desk by my pencil cup, existing as a quarter-inch stack of pink, green, and white cardstock and fountain pen ink bound together by a small green bulldog clip. Each index card is akin to a writing prompt. Now I know where to go; now it can be written. When I’m ready, of course. And the writing prompt doesn’t guarantee that the scene or scene sequences outlined on the card will be easy to write, or quick.

So yes, I am writing. I’m really enjoying the permission I have given myself to not write at the computer this month. I write for a living and I work at the computer; writing longhand somewhere else is a change I need. It’s more relaxing, less fraught with getting it right (write?), and a different method of creating. And allowing myself the permission to not transcribe and post it to the writing community (thereby removing a deadline of sorts) frees me up to create something less polished as well.

The August Writing project is about giving most people a structure to get them writing again. For me, it’s about removing the customary structure so I can write. Sometimes, as Bodhifox said last week, you just have to change the rules, to perform some sleight of hand in order to slip past the obstacles in your own psyche.

It’s What You Do Right

… and yikes, do I ever need to work on some of the orchestra stuff. Once again, it’s the Broadway medley giving me grief. I know how the Les Miserables themes go, backwards and forwards. Maybe that’s part of the problem; this is an arrangement, and so it’s not exactly what I remember. Also, key changes from A flat major to F major to E flat major to B flat major to D flat major (probably B flat minor, now that I think about it) back to B flat major to D major to F major again to finally return to and end in A flat major are more than enough to reduce me to a desperate wittering fool. Particularly when it all has to be played in a sprightly, dissonant, or expressive mode.

I just have to play it over and over. And trust myself in the higher registers, as the celli play in the encore we’re working on. It’s hard to feel good about a beautiful piece when you’re massacring it the first time you play it through in rehearsal.

Scott and I were trading reassurances about our musical ears and playing skills yesterday, with support and reality checks from t! thrown in as well, and I thought of the subject again when I read this post from Matociquala this morning:

Book report #42: Richard Restak, MD; Mozart’s Brain and the Fighter Pilot

This is all right for what it is, I guess. I am more interested in the mechanisms of neuroplasticity than self-help books on how to be smarter, but hey, it did give me this little passage:

First, avoid playing over negative scenarios in your mind in which all of your worst fears are realized. As Freud pointed out in 1925 in an insufficiently appreciated paper, “On Negation,” the brain doesn’t deal well with negatives. If you concentrate on ways of avoiding a bad outcome rather than bringing about a good one, your brain will lock onto the negative. As every tennis player knows, the surest way of coming up with a bad serve results from energy wasted on avoiding gaffes rather than concentrating on the intended ace. Concentrate on your ideas and your goals rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen, or on how nervous you’re feeling.

Or in other words, it’s not what you don’t do wrong. It’s what you do right.

It’s what you do right. It’s so easy to say. But it’s hard to look at a piece of writing, or listen to a recording of a musical performance, or look at a drawing, and see what you did right in it, because we look for the errors in order to improve upon them. And that’s not a bad thing. What’s bad and self-destructive is when we can’t see the good things at all, or stress too much about the mistakes. Why do we expect perfection? The only entity who can manage perfection is God, and I’m not at all certain the Divine doesn’t fall short a lot of the time too. Why do we beat ourselves up over what could have been done better instead of celebrating the much larger percentage of what we did right?

It’s ironic, too, that we notice errors more when things are going well, because they jar us out of a sense of security and comfort. And why is it that as soon as you think, “Hey, this is going pretty well”, you trip? How can it be hubris to allow yourself to cautiously appreciate something you are creating?

Did I mention that the gig was fabulous, by the way?

Listening

There’s a difference between hearing and listening. Listening implies paying attention to specifics, whereas hearing suggests taking in a larger soundscape.

I have to keep reminding myself of this when I listen to recordings that involve me playing the cello. I listen to the cello, and thus hear everything that’s unpleasant: technical errors, timing, weak sound production, bad shifts, bow imbalance. Anyone else hears the overall product, the song.

I also have to remind myself that a recording is a sterile capture of something that’s larger than life. The recording equipment doesn’t reproduce the deeper tones of the cello; it grabs on to the higher sharper overtones. On stage in real life, the sound was much better. A live audience is also being swept by the sound; there’s no time to dwell on technical evaluation. It’s an experience. It’s why films made of stage productions rarely work.

Having said all that, my main response to much of the recording of Saturday night’s show was “Is the cello always that sharp? Why does no one ever tell me?”. I wonder if it actually is sharp, as in the intonation being off, or if I’m just not hearing the rest of the sound that is there in real life.

Deliberately putting that aside, I could appreciate the recording as it was transferring to the hard drive yesterday. I could hear how we were working with one another, how we moved and adapted and recovered from hiccups and the technical challenges, and I could appreciate the beauty of certain songs. We’re far from professional; we don’t have the time or the inclination. We do this for fun. And in the last two years, we have come a long, long way, and the band work I have done has informed my orchestral playing as well.

So now I focus on orchestra as we prepare for the Canada Day concert, and mess about with Zimmer and Badelt for fun throughout the summer. And I will allow myself to keep thinking about band and the songs I’d like to do in the future, and perhaps make the attempt at arranging some songs.

Gig Recap

Honestly, this has been the Best Gig Ever. It makes me wish we weren’t going on hiatus, and that’s a good thing: it means I’m looking forward to getting back together already. Actually, I’ve been feeling increasingly positive about band for the last couple of months, as our set coalesced and we just got better and better. As much as I’m excited right now and wish we could just keep going, I know the break will do us all some good.

I was thrilled that my parents and in-laws could finally come to a gig, particularly as this might have been the last gig Random Colour presented (it’s possible; after all, the original proposal was to stop entirely, commuted to a six-month hiatus before re-evaluating). I was also thrilled at the size of the crowd, even though about half of it left before Random Colour took the stage (your loss, people). I know Invisible is a more crowd-pleasing group because of the kind of music they play; that’s the sort of live experience people expect. It’s just a shame more people didn’t or couldn’t stay to experience something totally different and intriguing. It’s mildly annoying that we can’t seem to win: if we open the night people arrive late and miss us, and if we close the night people leave during the equipment change or halfway through our set. Anyway, the evening started out as standing room only, even with extra chairs being brought in. I loved the new venue: the stage itself, the sound, the lights. A heartfelt thank you goes out to everyone who came to share the evening with us. I even saw people I hadn’t seen in a year or more, which was a lovely surprise.

The sound check experience was covered very well by Mousme here (along with gig notes too). I may have been one of the only people who didn’t get a lesson on technique from Perry the sound guy, despite his efforts to reposition my pickup ( “No, I guess you were right, that does seem to be the sweet spot.”) Despite his scolding and pointing out our flaws and weaknesses, we all love him and want to annex him permanently as sound guy and manager. We didn’t get to actually start checking until after six, which was when we’d all expected to be finished, so I raced home as soon as Random Colour was released to change and eat and bring HRH back with me. The guys started about twenty minutes after their expected start time, and we danced and sang through their set. (Note to self: Don’t sing and scream so much, if you want to have a voice left for your own set directly following. It ended up not mattering much because I forgot to position my mic for the song in which I do backup vocals, and I couldn’t get it close enough during the song itself, so my lack of voice wasn’t much of an issue.) There were a half dozen or so originals mixed in with the covers, and the range of music they presented was eclectic enough to give Random Colour a run for their money. I am so glad the “notes guys” got the chance to do an instrumental, and the fact that it was what they refer to as the PPK medley (Peter Gunn into the Bond theme) was tremendously cool. I Blame My Woman was hilariously suited to the three vocalists who each took a verse. The Blue Moon medley was also absolutely phenomenal. And of course, the new original The Rocking Thing, written primarily for Mousme (but played for the whole girls’ band, we were assured) was thrilling and just plain fun. It was fascinating to see and hear how the Invisible sound is really settling into something unique.

I have been reassured that it’s not a bad thing that I want to throw myself at the lead guitarist’s feet when he’s onstage. Bandmates tell me that I am in good company.

Our set and presentation were solid, and this was absolutely the most secure we have felt going in to a performance. So naturally, there were technical difficulties, but they were all dealt with coolly and professionally and didn’t adversely affect the performance. (Hands up, everyone who saw my cello endpin slip multiple times!) I’m not going to describe it in detail, as both Mousme and Karine have already done so. I played with my eyes closed a lot, just listening to how the sound was blending, with that ten percent of my brain that provides a running commentary (the other ninety percent busy doing what it’s supposed to do) marvelling at how excellent the sound was. The speed and energy were ideal, except in two songs, J’veux pas viellir and Enter Sandman. I ended up improvising a cello solo around the bits that I actually remembered in J’veux pas viellir (which the rest of the band says was slower than usual and I know was actually a touch faster, being the one who has to keep up during the verses, but it makes sense that it would be perceived as slow because of how it’s positioned in the set list and because of the adrenaline of the final rehearsal and the gig) … but despite these two very minor things it was absolutely beautiful and I loved the sound. Enter Sandman had so much energy that it ended up being played much faster than we’d ever done it. We kept up with one another and aced it, however, and I’m really looking forward to listening to the recording to hear the crowd response to Sandman once the cello and the kick drum start and the song digs in, and again when the unison riff begins. Wheat Kings, First We Take Manhattan, Moon Over Bourbon Street — they were all smooth and beautiful, and I loved playing them. We made real music. And it was good.

What I really love about Random Colour is how we arrange songs. There are no songs that we can play without adapting and arranging them, because we’re never going to find a song written for the instruments we have (unless we write them ourselves, and yes, we have one, and at least one other on the way which has been on the way since May of 2006, but they’re for the future; the latter is now waiting until Jam Sessions is released for the DS, thank you very much!). We really, really nailed these songs, and one of the reasons they succeed the way they do is because our arrangements are fresh and showcase the songs in a completely different way. One of the bits of feedback I’ve been hearing from various people, particularly about Wheat Kings, is “How did they do that with those instruments?”. We have inventive and experimental musicians. Ironically, this is also one of the reasons why we have to take a break from the band. We have to invest a stupid amount of effort and energy from the very start in order to make the songs work, and it’s very draining. We cut an excellent song from our set list the week before the gig because it was an almost-but-not-quite-there song, and it broke everyone’s heart because it was very possibly the song we had put the most work into over a year or so. It’s challenging, being the band we are. We get cross with one another, and frustrated, and worse, we get really really down on ourselves individually for not being as good as we think we ought to be. We tend to forget that what we’re doing is incredible in the first place, that we choose really tough songs to cover, that some of us have only been playing for two or three years. Hell, we get up in front of people to do this. That takes guts, and determination, and a soul of steel. Nights like the one this past Saturday remind us of why we do it.

I will miss band a lot. The hiatus will be good for us. But I’m already sorting through the wishlist of songs I’ve been building up.

PS: Didn’t make it? Were you there and want to see things from a different angle? Check out the gig photos taken by Everyone’s Mother’s Favourite Guitarist!

Scratch Pad May 10

9:07:

It is probably a bad thing that I want to begin my day with a vanilla soda.

9:13:

I ended up not going to orchestra last night; too much work to do. I settled down in bed with my laptop after dinner and fell asleep around 8:30. Oops. Slept all the way till 6:15ish, too. That’s about twice the amount of sleep I’ve been getting a night.

9:59:

t! just showed up and asked me what the name of the dictionary is, as it has to go into the script somewhere.

A: Joyce. Let’s call it Joyce.
t!: No, that sounds too much like joy, of which there is none regarding this dictionary.
A: Wait — Hector, then. Yes, let’s call it Hector.
t!: Hector; yes, Hector. Doleful doleful, and all that.

10:33:

Over the past couple of days ADZO and Sandman7 have really helped me work through an issue I was having difficulty dealing with. Thanks, guys. I appreciate your thoughtful input. As a result, something vaguely resembling sanity has been restored. Or at least equilibrium in the associated area.

10:35:

For the third day in a row we are having merrily out-of-season weather. Lots of shorts and sandals around. I myself wore sandals yesterday, and am wearing a different pair today. Today I have also worn my first summer skirt of the season, and a t-shirt. Yesterday was a short-sleeved knit top with jeans, but today it is officially summer at my desk. Except when I went down to get a tea and another immensely delicious shortbreadbrowniesquarething, I discovered that not having a pocket for my key card is a drawback.

10:36:

I thought my job was pretty much over. Was I ever wrong. Now I’ve sorted my dbase by definition, and there are SO MANY DOUBLES. A script was supposed to catch these a few days ago, but I was only told about a couple of them. There are so many more. Woe! This is going to take longer than I expected. Good thing I’m coming in on Monday anyhow.

10:37:

Did I mention my contract was indeed officially extended last night? By a week, because of the placeholder voice work I’m doing in the studio next week. Heh.

14:23:

Scott and I have been talking back and forth about the different music-based games for the DS. I want someone to develop a Cello Hero game. Or maybe we could hack the upcoming Jam Sessions and make it sound like a cello.

14:32:

I wish someone would make a Music Minus One CD for Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack to King Arthur. It’s really phenomenal. Hans is so very fond of a solo cello line, either exposed or playing in the ensemble, possibly because he has such an awesome cellist in Martin Tillman. (See [well, hear, really] such examples as PoC 2 [and 1 by extension, as he had so much of a hand in Badelt’s score], King Arthur, The Da Vinci Code, and MI2. Tillman and Zimmer are the reason why I ordered the cello music to PoC2 a few months ago: it’s all for the opening track. Seriously — much is the cello love for Hans and Martin for that track alone. And it’s finally shipped to me! It should be arriving tomorrow!

14:47:

Sigh. Vanilla soda. Even at room temperature, you are heavenly.

14:50:

It occurs to me that my cello would sound awesome in this room. High ceilings, hardwood floors, not a lot of thick things to catch and muffle the sound… (See what happens when I listen to Hans Zimmer and think about music games at the same time? My worlds collide.)

14:55:

Just checked; there’s King Arthur sheet music available, but it’s for solo piano. I could arrange it, of course. Because I really don’t get enough of that in band already, you know. Although it would be worth it just for a few of the themes. And hey, band’s on hiatus for half a year; I’m going to need something to keep me busy after the July 1 chamber orchestra concert…

16:20:

Erk. t! just gave his opinion on the auditionees for one of the voices to be recorded for this project, and told the sound guy to use me instead.

Worth Keeping

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
– W. Somerset Maugham

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
– Niels Bohr

Tuesday

After an entire frustrating morning of having my Owldaughter server down, it’s back. A slew of spam has just been released through my site-related e-mail accounts, but not a single bit of e-mail I was hoping for — namely, shiny and effulgent messages of “We loved your editing test, please work for us!” from at least one of the handful of jobs I’ve applied for over the past two weeks.

Teh Sicque is still dogging our steps in this house. After dealing with HRH being under the weather for the past handful of days, and Liam dealing with whatever it is that almost-twos deal with (like molars you can’t yet see and frustration with limits and the desire to brush tiny teeth seven times daily and disinterest in food other than crackers and the need to watch a movie over and over and over again when we’re limiting TV time), I find that today I’m quite tired. Liam’s regular Monday with the caregiver was switched for today, and I’ve done some writing, but it’s going so very slowly and I’m fighting deep physical exhaustion. I’ve eaten twice since breakfast, but I’m still flopsy. I’m loath to go curl up under the afghan and doze because then I’ll feel like I’ve lost the day. I don’t even have a good book to read, although last night I pulled Patricia Wrede’s Snow White Rose Red off the shelf to be reread when I finished the latest Nora Roberts fluff with which I was distracting myself. Actually, I don’t really want to read, which alarms me.

I’m also experiencing stupid little crises centered around how I feel like I’m only pretending to be a real writer, and if I’ve published three books shouldn’t I feel different, and have more to show for it? And if/when my fiction gets published, will that better validate my work in my own eyes? Who knows. The mice in the wheel that powers my brain can take a break, though, because I feel like I’m chasing my own inadequacies in circles today.

If it weren’t minus 33 with the windchill out there, I’d go for a walk to clear my brain, get a drink, and perhaps treat myself to an Easter Creme Egg.

I have no idea what to do for dinner this evening. My meal creativity ran out last night.

Back to work. I’m going to start skipping scenes in Pandora and expanding the ones that exist in note form. I’ll go back and bridge them later, when I have the energy to write transitions properly.