Category Archives: Diary

Checking In

We have been here in the cultivated wilds of Southern Ontario for a day now. The drive was very good, made even better by passing Fearsclave and exchanging waves with him as he entered and we left his local Tim Horton’s drive-through, where we had stopped for a late breakfast. I find it very amusing that we ran into the one person we know in Alexandria.

The boy traveled wonderfully. The new car traveled very well too, although we are very close to exchanging these high-performance (and loud) tires for the regular Goodyear ones we used on the station wagon. It didn’t rain, nor did we encounter construction or ludicrous traffic across Toronto as we usually do. We are suspicious but thankful.

And now for a week of not answering phones, checking e-mail and news and journals only sporadically, and likely not posting often, if at all. Have fun. Don’t break the internet while we’re gone.

(Three more sleeps till 7/8 cello!)

Vroom!

So. much. work. done. today.

I am dizzy at the mound of stuff I’ve accomplished. And yet when I look at the file I’ve just built it doesn’t seem like much. Still, I’ve verified or updated a bunch of out of date contact info, tracked down new contacts and their info, written a press release and a supra-condensed version for free listings, added the finished touches to a two-page edit I did on Monday, and handled a bunch of communication/e-mail stuff. I am much further along than I expected to be. I can remember when writing a press release took me a whole day.

Whoa. I am mighty.

Also? I have crossed not one, but SIX things off my to-do list.

I like meeting new people. I got an e-mail this morning from someone who had found the Court via a Google search for cello-related things, and we have been chatting back and forth since then. Hello, new readers who have alerted me to their presence via e-mail or a recent comment, and readers I don’t know about who have been reading stealthily for a while! I declare this a temporary delurking thread. If you read the journal and have never commented, just say hi so I can say thanks and welcome in a way that feels more personal. I could always make a pot of virtual tea to share. I promise, you never have to prove you were here in any other way unless you want to.

In Which She Muses About ‘Celebrity’

Despite the fact that I have worked in the book business for mumble-mumble years (good gods, has it been seventeen!?) and I know perfectly well that Editors and Authors Are Real People, I still have to work through the ‘yikes Famous Person’ veil that descends over my eyes when I meet one. I am, as previously mentioned, deathly shy, which makes self-promotion a challenge to say the least. It also means I have a permanent inferiority complex.

Brendan Cathbad Myers is someone whose work I’ve read since he published essays about druidry in Wiccan Candles, a now-defunct Canadian publication. (You can still read his articles, though, on his web site here.) His articles demonstrated to me that there was a deeply philosophical and ethical aspect to Paganism, above and beyond the basic foci (and petty arguments) that seemed to resurface again and again.

I tend to write and publish material that has a practical application focus to it. His work is on a completely different level academically and intellectually. (His work is stuff I wish I could write. And maybe did, once upon a time in university, before I was swayed by the need for not-101 books about alternative spirituality.) So when we finally came face to face on Saturday night in the resto-bar where we were waiting for a table, I was expecting someone different. Instead, he was excited to meet me.

(Funny story: I walked into the dark and crowded area with Blade and Silly Imp and waved at everyone, including someone who I knew was Brendan from his author photo. Brendan turned to another friend of mine and said, “Who did I just wave back to?” “That would be the famous and best-selling local author Autumn!” t! replied enthusiastically and on purpose because he knows how uncomfortable I am with having fuss made about me.)

We were both excited and a bit nervous. I admire his books immensely, and he appears to like mine. Which boggles my mind, because they’re so simple as compared with his own. Apples and walnuts, I suppose; you can’t really compare such different things. We were both thrilled to meet a fellow Canadian and pagan author, and we began to chatter away. He has such wonderful experiences to share, and a sense of wonder and appreciation pervades his conversation when he shares stories and thoughts.

We talked a lot about our experiences publishing, which isn’t a surprise. We shared our frustration about the very real needs of the intermediate to advanced readership within the alternative spirituality market that aren’t being met because publishers are more interested in putting out basic books that appeal to a broader cross-section of the market. I can’t argue with their reasoning; it makes sense on a piece of paper. There will always be more people in the beginner stages of study than those who choose to continue through. At the same time, however, one of the most common requests in esoteric bookshops is “Do you have something that’s more advanced than this?” He told me about his current publisher, about whom he has nothing but positive feedback to share, and I’ll certainly look into them as I develop ideas that the publisher I’ve worked won’t touch.

We talked about the festival experience, and the need for people who have more experience under their belts to hook up and share their own experiences and thoughts. It’s hard to find stimulation when you’re the one teaching all the time. And we talked a lot about responsibility and ethics and values and other cultural themes related to his most recent book, The Other Side of Virtue (which I glowingly review in the upcoming Summer 2008 issue of WynterGreene Magazine. The short version: Brilliant, insightful, valuable. Read it.).

At the end of the evening it was hard to leave someone I’d just met and with whom I’d made such a wonderful connection. And it was truly wondrous to meet someone whom I consider an established and respected authority only to discover that he was just as eager and nervous about meeting me. I am an idiot. There is a lesson here, if only I’ll absorb and remember it. On the way to the restaurant Silly Imp told me she’d met and worked with Thorn Coyle recently, and that she thought we two were a lot alike. This was another source of ‘yikes’, as Coyle is another huge name who I respect immensely. I suspect that I will never shake the feeling that I’m a kid masquerading as a confident and qualified adult.

Apart from Brendan fitting into the group remarkably well, it was really, really good to (a) be out after dark, and (b) be out with friends deliberately ignoring what time it was. I’m paying for it now but it was good at the time, and I’d do it again (just not any time soon). We all have such a hard time scheduling things that it was remarkable to have us in one place to begin with. The only downside to the evening was that HRH couldn’t share it with us. I know he and Brendan would have hit it off rather well.

I’m feeling even more excited about the Hamilton festival now that I’ve met Brendan.

Quick Recap

So much has happened this weekend that I need to splash it all down in point form, to be expanded upon later:

1. Finally, finally I got to meet Brendan Myers! We’ve been missing one another at events for the past couple of years. It was a bad fibro day yesterday so I had to pass on the first part of the day, which would have entailed attending his reading and workshop, because I would have used up my available daily energy and ended up bailing on our planned evening out, which would have been dreadful. So at dinner time I met him and a group of dear local people (none of whom I see nearly often enough) in Old Montreal, and only got home at midnight. (People, that’s unheard of for me these days.) It was wonderful. Bren is sweet and thoughtful and quirky and thought-inspiring and has crammed more living into his life than most people our age have. I clicked with him right away, and I’m so looking forward to maintaining and cultivating this special new friendship. This gets a whole blog post of its own very soon because there’s a bunch of ideas to put down.

2. HRH cleared out the garage yesterday. Ye gods. There is space. Also, the garage door now works again. Huzzah!

3. I’ve been reading my fifteen year old issues of Strings magazine. Reading about music makes me want to play it (as if I haven’t been obsessing about it enough what with the 7/8 issue eating my brain lately) so after a couple of hours of reading I sat down and played forty-five minutes of pizzicato cello this morning while the boy played with his trains. Gave myself a blister on my middle right finger doing it, too. I played through dozens of pieces at about the RCM grade 5 level, things I’d been playing before I stopped with my lessons, messing about with them position-wise and intonation/tempo/vibrato-wise. Very satisfying.

4. We had a delightful visit with the ADZO family this afternoon. The kids are at an age where they can safely play in the next room on their own and either interact or parallel play doing their preferred thing, and it was so good to just sit and talk about anything and everything while they enjoyed themselves. (And eat. Ye gods, when we go over they just keep casually putting food in front of us, blueberries and watermelon and tea and cheese and crackers and yum. Then there was dinner. They spoil us dreadfully.) As a result of this meandering chat something extremely special might be coming into my possession, via a stroke of serendipity. More news as events warrant. ADZO and I have a date tomorrow morning to explore the situation.

5. Local freelance work. Yay! Small projects, but comfortable ones. Every dollar counts towards the 7/8. Which is important, because the second-level Jay Haide celli I’m going to be looking at in Toronto (confirmed date with the shop: Tuesday July 29!) are twice as expensive as the entry-level Eastman 7/8s I’ve been testing locally. If I like them/one enough I might right rent one/it for two or three months; it’s an affordable option with the shop I’m primarily interested in visiting.

Right. As wonderful as this weekend has been, I have used up all my spoons and have run out of available energy. I’m going to have to be careful over the next couple of days.

Not Dead…

… just completely and totally exhausted. HRH is fighting a bad cold, the boy is taking up every bit of energy I’ve got, and I have that restless-but-hermity thing going on. I’ve lost all interest in food and eating.

The rest of the birthday weekend was lovely. The picnic was enjoyable (despite the somewhat uncomfortable experience of the sad attention-starved little girl who insinuated herself into our group because her very-not-sober father was passed out under a tree) and it was good to see people just sitting flaking out in the shade, listening to the kids playing on the playground equipment, munching fruit and bread and cheese and such. Dinner with HRH’s parents on Sunday was also lovely. Thanks go out to everyone who came by or sent their regrets and best wishes, and for all the thoughtful gifts I received (organic nibblies! gift card for the bookstore! a very generous contribution to the 7/8 fund!).

My office feels much bigger with only one cello in it. I tried playing my 4/4 the other day and, as I was afraid, it feels clunky to me now. I so didn’t want this to happen.

I’m currently slogging through a freelance MS evaluation. I know what’s wrong with it, but I’m having a hard time putting it into words (saying ‘overwritten’ isn’t precise enough, alas). Also, what’s wrong with it is making it very difficult to read and get past the wrong to the story, which is, as far as I can tell, a good one.

The boy and I went to a bookstore today (gift certificate, yay!) and I picked up a book thinking it was one kind of thing, and started reading it to discover that it’s something very different. I wish I hadn’t bought it. I’m considering taking it back and exchanging it, except providing the reason of ‘I thought it was something else’ when I’ve read the cover copy thoroughly and flipped through it in the store is really, really lame. Still, a thirty dollar book I’m not going to read is a thirty dollar object taking up room on my shelf that’s needed for other books. This is what comes of (a) having a lousy mental focus (thank you and no love, fibro fog) and (b) shopping with a three year old who is clamoring to get to the train table. I am, however, really looking forward to the other book I picked up (A Romance on Three Legs by Katie Hafner).

Because we went to the Big Bookstore (With The Trains), as the boy calls it, we were obliged to visit the Big Animal Store in the same strip. I was partially looking forward to seeing the little Senegal parrot who stole my heart two weeks ago and partially dreading it, because I didn’t know if I could stand to have my heart broken again. I was both disappointed and relieved to see that it was gone. I hope it went to a good home.

We also stopped at the library to pick up a book I’d put a hold on which had come in: Wit’s End by Karen Fowler. I am very set for reading material. For the next two days, at the very least; I seem to be inhaling books these days. I suspect it has something to do with my need to turn off my brain to some extent, and the need to absorb someone else’s words. I also feel like I’m accomplishing something when I finish a book, which is something I sorely need when I’m down to functioning on inadequate energy.

So I’m muddling around, trying to keep up with the basic things that need doing, and feeling very flat about it all. And when I feel flat and inadequate I get irritated, and I’m very afraid I’ll fall back into the ‘going to bed mad because I didn’t do anything of worth during the day and waking up irritated the next morning’ thing, a rather destructive cycle in which I was mired five or sixish years ago. I think I need to get writing and creating again, which is a challenge because when the boy’s with the caregiver I’m working on freelance stuff for more immediate (and concrete) money (as opposed to working on something uncontracted which may or may not ever sell for theoretical money in the future).

I missed the boy’s thirty-seven month post on the 11th and I can’t see it being written any time soon, if at all. I also missed marking the three-years-at-home-as-a-family anniversary on the 13th as well. I’m so damn tired.

But I do have a shiny red and white bike on the back porch. Someday I may even put air in the tires and ride it. When the next chunk of money comes in we’ll buy the trailer so the boy and I can go for rides together.

There you have it. I’m exhausted and uncommunicative. The end.

Birthday!

This morning I have received an aggressive kiss on the nose to wake me up, followed immediately by the boy chirping, “Hi Mama, it’s your birthday! Here, take this.” I mumbled a thank you and peered at the folded piece of paper he’d given me, with crayon all over it. “It’s a card for you!” he explained enthusiastically. “See, these are butterflies!” Then there were toys brought in and played with on the bed, as well as many snuggles. Then he hauled HRH’s guitar out and played and sang me a birthday song extempore, on the spot.

We returned the 7/8 cello Number 3 to the luthier this morning. “And?” he said. “Almost,” I said. “Almost, but not quite.” I explained that the two-week home trial had confirmed that the 7/8 size is indeed perfect for me, but that this particular instrument just didn’t have that certain something that clicked and made it mine. He asked if there was anything particular, in order to avoid it when selecting another for me to test, and I shook my head; there wasn’t anything specifically wrong. It just didn’t grab me and say, ‘You cannot part with me.’ I like the tone, the overtones, the balance, the construction, the feel under my fingers, everything; it’s just not this one that I need. He has another 7/8 in his Laval workshop and will bring it in for me, but I’m on holiday the last two weeks of July and he’s closed the first two weeks of August, so we’ll pick up again then. In the meantime there’s the two shops in Toronto, and the Scarlatti 7/8 Number 2 to take home for a test, and I’ll think about the one in Alaska too.

On the way to the luthier we treated ourselves to breakfast sandwiches and iced cappuccinos, and the we went through the car wash for the first time with the boy, who found it very exciting. Unfortunately we ran into not one but two road detours in St Lambert and Longueuil due to festivals or triathalons which rerouted us way out of the areas we needed to travel in or through, so the trip was about twice as long as it needed to be.

My birthday present from HRH was a new bike! It has been many, many years since I have owned one. As he carted it to the back yard yesterday the next-door neighbour said, “You got a n new bike?” HRH said, “It’s not mine, it’s hers.” “But it’s a man’s bike,” the neighbour replied, confused. Yes, it is a man’s bike, but I preferred the shiny red and white paint with a back rack to the blue and white with a plastic basket in the front, complete with fake flower, and with flowers painted on the seat. The blue was nice, but give me a rack over a flimsy plastic basket any day. Also, a red bike is just cooler. The next purchase is a bike trailer for kids so the boy and I can bike to the library and the grocery store, or just go for a ride together. My parents gave me a lovely blank book and a copy of Martha Stewart’s cookie recipe book. I got birthday money last weekend from my in-laws, which went to new summer shirts and a skirt (and a new bike helmet and lock!). There was a cheque in yesterday’s mail from my grandmother, which will buy a new printer. I have received numerous birthday wishes from all over via e-mail, phone, and journal posts, the weather is spectacular, and I am having a wonderful birthday so far. There’s a late afternoon picnic in my future today, and I have been promised sushi tonight after the boy goes to bed. Tomorrow there’s a birthday dinner with the in-laws, too. Life is good.

*facepalm*

My life just keeps getting more and more interesting. Unfortunately it’s in the Chinese curse sort of way.

Yesterday my internet access went down, thanks to Microsoft sending out an XP patch that didn’t play nicely with ZoneAlarm, the firewall I and millions of other people use. I spent sixty-nine minutes and 28 seconds on the phone with an unintelligible person manning an outsourced help desk last night. We finally got things back up and running.

And then this morning, the laptop died. It’s dead. D-E-D.

For those of you keeping score, that leaves me with no computer. None. I am stealing time downstairs on HRH’s computer to tell the world that yes, I am actually alive, but I sure as heck can’t work down here. I may come down to check Gmail tonight, but apart from that, nothing. Looks like I’m writing longhand during this afternoon’s writing jam with Jan.

Mitigating today’s severe technological ARGH was the wonderful wedding ceremony I performed yesterday for Scarlet and Blade, with the assistance of HRH, Jess, and Winterwolf in the ritual. It was a wonderful day with perfect weather and a lovely potluck buffet afterwards. I like performing marriage ceremonies for friends; I’m allowed to play with them during the ritual.

Right. I can’t stay here any longer. It’s claustrophobic and very damp. If you need to get in touch with me, do it by phone.

ETA: It’s 11:14 and Blade has just finished closing up the ADZO tower HRH borrowed ages ago and has been hanging on to in order to transfer the last few files to the second ADZO tower he officially acquired. I have internet (and proper browsing via Firefox, thankyouverymuch, first thing I installed), a functional computer, and thanks to my external hard drive that I love with much love I’m fine backup-wise. I can even use my external monitor again! I have a whole desk in front of me instead of a laptop! Speaking thereof, we’ll try a reinstall XP on the laptop and kick it back into shape. I’ll lose a couple of pictures but that’s about all. Muah-hah. I’m still installing Thunderbird and setting up my email addresses even now. Did you miss me?