Monthly Archives: June 2004

Bill Gates Big Book Of Wicca

1. The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.

2. Iconology was be a major chapter.

3. A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.

4. Your broom would crash at least once a week.

5. Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.

6. A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.

7. A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.

8. Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.

9. If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.

10. At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.

11. You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (And cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.)

12. The spells would be called simply “Banish,” “Purify,” “Dedicate,” etc., and these names would be trademarked so that no one else could use them.

13. Everyone would use the spells in the book, because everyone would have it laying around and could assume others knew it too. In an unfamiliar group, you could be sure that everyone knows “Banish,” so it would be convenient, and you would get used to it.

14. It would be illegal to let other people cast the spells in your book or vice versa. (Of course, everyone would do it anyway.)

15. The book would be outrageously expensive. Other, cheaper books would exist, and also free ones on the internet, but it would be harder to use them because you wouldn’t be familiar with them and you’d have to get used to a whole different metaphor. Most people would think it perfectly reasonable to use Bill Gates’ book and pay his fees.

16. If you had questions about the spells in the book, you’d have to call in to an enormous tech support system and pay for “incidents.” (Or get your 9 year old niece to show you what to do.)

17. Due to agreements with altar manufacturers, the book would be packaged with every altar sold, and you would have to pay for a new book when buying a new altar. Furthermore, no one would be allowed to use the book they already bought with a new altar, only with the altar the book was purchased with. To use the book with a new altar, it would be necessary to buy a new copy of the book for the new altar, and throw the old copy away (like OEM operating systems).

(Author unknown; various versions exist. I found this one via Butterflies in my Stomach.)

Official Book Update

Today’s word count: 3,976
Current word total: 77,003

My back hurts, I have lost my ability to spell, and I don’t think I could come up with another original thought today if I tried.

I have under three thousand words left. Part of me is suspicious and believes that this is a dream from which I will wake to discover that reality is very harsh indeed. Another part of me is ridiculously gleeful and pushing to finish as soon as possible, because to hand the manuscript in early would further cement my status as saint with the publishing team.

In the meantime, I’m going to go take a couple of Advil and lie down. I might read something that has no connection to my work whatsoever. I might not. I might just stare at the ceiling and pet a cat. That sounds remarkably attractive.


Current word count: 75,133

Less than 5K to go!

They just called me and asked if I would write a little invocation to launch the imprint’s sales meeting tomorrow. Nice hook: ties in the New Age thing, the current topic of spells, and gets the sales team in the right mood for the information to follow. How cool is that?

This calls for chocolate.


Woke up at six-thirty this morning, and half an hour later I had an upset stomach. And I still do.

I hate stupid little things like upset stomachs. They’re minor, and yet they sap all your energy. I almost wish that I hadn’t done so well yesterday, because now there’s a little voice in the back of my head suggesting that I curl up under an afghan with a cat as a living hot water bottle, and not write, because I’m ahead of schedule. That voice is currently engaged in a knock-down fight with my work-ethic voice and my panicked I’ll-Never-Get-It-Done-In-Time voice, who are both attempting to repress it.

While that’s being decided, I’m going to curl up with tea and perhaps read.


I found the first ant of the summer in the bedroom. I tried to point it out to Nixie and Maggie, but they ignored it, so I gave up and squished it.

It kept moving. Not thrashing, or death throes; I’m talking moving in a straight line, moving with a purpose and a goal.

I squished it again.

“It’s still moving!” I said in disbelief.

“Then kill it,” said HRH.

“I have! Twice!”

And then — I don’t know, it must be the heady knowledge that I did over 5K today, or the sugar coursing through my bloodstream — I said:

“It must be a reven-ant!”

And I giggled. I giggled so hard that tears came to my eyes, and I couldn’t find the ant to deliver the ultimate killing blow. HRH looked at me for a moment, then returned to looking for a clean shirt.

“Your mother is nuts,” he said to the cats.

“I know. You get used to it,” Maggie told him. And off I went, still giggling.