Category Archives: Spirituality

In Which She Rocks, With Awesomesauce

As everyone who was not me predicted, the workshop was a success.

Avalon Naturel, the meeting space in which I gave the workshop, has a wonderfully welcoming and comforting energy. I learned that the Avalon regulars are as equally comforting and welcoming. There were, to my astonishment (and, yes, initial panic) over twenty people crowded into the single room, some in chairs around the edges, some on mats on the floor. And they talked, bless them; they responded when I tossed questions and discussion topics out, for which I was heartily thankful, because nothing kills a workshop quicker than attendees who don’t respond. Respond these excellent people did; I had people talking to me throughout the break and afterwards, telling me how much they’d learned, both beginners and experienced people assuring me that I was making sense to them, giving them new ways to think about things or the opportunity to share their own techniques and ideas. I loved it.

It went so well, as a matter of fact, that less than halfway through it I was already thinking about what I could give from my existing slate of workshops for them. I’d been tentatively sketching a pregnancy workshop, but one of the co-directors told me that the Avalonians tend to be of below or beyond childbearing age/mindset so there probably wouldn’t be much response. But the other co-director in attendance caught me after most people had left and proposed co-leading a workshop around Harvest, which got us both very excited as it expanded and evolved into two different things.

So yes: A success, and the Avalonians are going to have a hard time getting rid of me. We have an informal agreement for me to show up one evening next month for a kaffeeklatsch type of thing once the hearthcraft book is out, so people can buy the book and I can sign them and we can all talk about lots of stuff instead of just what we can cover on one subject in three hours. (I sold every one of my previous books I’d brought except one, and signed dozens more people owned and brought along with them. Good grief.)

I know I always feel better after I’ve given a workshop or class, which is part of what gets me through the prep and anxiety leading up to the event. Part of that post-workshop feeling is relief, part of it is the sense that I’ve accomplished something, and part of that is coming away with what the attendees have given to me in the form of energy and interaction and appreciation. I came away from this one feeling so much better than I’d expected to feel that I amused myself. And frankly, I just sat back and let myself enjoy it for the rest of the weekend.

Yesterday afternoon was my monthly group cello lesson, which was so much fun. I love the group lessons as a rule, but this one was particularly enjoyable. Only four out of seven students were there, and we played some really fun stuff which I essentially sight-read because I hadn’t had time to play it through after my teacher gave it to me last Tuesday (last week = work + workshop insanity + brain burnout). I and my stand partner spent a lot of time laughing, which felt moderately wicked. I pulled some very nice stuff off when the less-confident people dropped out along the way, and tripped myself in a couple of particular places every single time because I hadn’t prepared the shifts. Last night after the boy got ready for bed I set up my cello and told him a little story about a moonlit barnyard at midnight, when the barn door creaks open and two eyes peek out, and then a little chicken steps into the barnyard to move one foot, then another, and then… dances! At this point I played the Chicken Reel for him, and he kept telling the story on his own. It was fun. When he was in bed I kept working on some of those nasty shifts and working out fingerings for various group pieces, and he sang along in the dark. This morning he woke up singing again, and when I went in to cuddle him he threw his arms around me and asked if I’d had fun at my cello practise. I told him I had, and asked if he liked hearing it while he was in bed. He said he did quite enthusiastically and asked what songs they had been (which resulted in a discussion about Dona Nobis Pacem and Ave Verum Corpus at much-too-early-o’clock), so maybe I’ll do it more often. Being comfortable enough to play with everyone at home here and upstairs was a definite indicator of how good a mood I was in. I actually liked the sound I was producing, too. Wonders will never cease.

The weather this weekend certainly contributed to my excellent mood. It was so mild, and even sunny! When we went out on Sunday morning to do groceries and errands we all wore spring coats with shoes or rainboots. Lovely! So easy to move around; no huge parkas to fight with getting in and out of the car, no mitts to keep track of! We even cracked the sunroof open on the way home from lunch yesterday. And while logically I know that we all woke up on Sunday at the same time we always do, to roll over and look at the clock and see the numbers 7:24 there when one’s son trots in and climbs into bed to cuddle is psychologically very uplifting. (This morning was a bit harder, of course, as we were waking up what felt like an hour earlier, but meh, it’s an acceptable trade-off.) I spent most of the weekend going about with a somewhat silly grin on my face. It really highlighted how hard things have been these past few months for me due to a variety of reasons, some health-related, some psychological, some SAD, and other stuff going on. Doing a really big grocery order and taking the boys out to lunch thanks to the workshop renumeration helped the mood, too. So did paying off some of my Visa bill.

I had such a fabulous weekend that this morning has hit a little hard (beyond the waking-up-an-hour-earlier thing). I slept awfully last night, basically passing the entire night in a twilight half-awake state, and I’m having a very physically achy and stiff day. The ibuprofen hasn’t kicked in after an hour, so I suspect I shall have to take another. It’s one of the fibro-related repercussions of having a terrific weekend. It’s moderately unjust that I have to suffer for having a good weekend the same way I suffer after a bad one, but at least I have the momentum of the good mood to carry me.

Today: Anthology, anthology, anthology! The rest of the submissions from the first round of invitees came in this weekend plus some early ones of the second round, so I have a week of solid work ahead.

Fork, Please

This workshop’s as done as it’s going to get. (Yay for small children napping, even though we got back home late from a lovely visit that we didn’t want to end. I should probably wake him up or we’ll never get him to bed tonight.) What I do with these twenty-eight pages tomorrow in the actual execution of the workshop, well, that’s to be seen.

In other news, I killed the first spider of spring just now. It was the size of a looney and went ‘pop.’ Forget robins; it’s all about the damn spiders waking up. Brr.

In Which She Waves Farewell To Focus

We are at seventeen pages of workshop and we are stopping for the day, because hello, brain, where have you gone?

    BRAIN: La la la, I can’t hear you. Besides, I’m zonked. I gave you nine pages of workshop. Nine. That’s above and beyond. Also, I reorganised it all for you. I deserve a break.

    ME: But but but — I thought we had a thing. We were in synch! We were flying!

    BRAIN: Yeah, well, that was then. This is now. And my now consists of a demand for a piece of cake and some Eternal Sonata on the Xbox, kid.

    ME: We only have one more work day after today!

    BRAIN: Your point?

    ME: What if something goes wrong tomorrow?

    BRAIN: Kid, you have enough material to carry you for two hours. Factor in a break and some discussion, and you’re fine. Besides, I’m working on a meditation, but it’s still brewing. Two of ’em, actually, one for the symbol of the flame, and one for the cauldron.

    ME: Really?

    BRAIN: Yep.

    ME: That’s so sweet of you.

    BRAIN: I know. But it’s only gonna happen if you give me cake and Eternal Sonata.

    ME: I don’t know…

    BRAIN: Look. It’s feed me sugar and a really pretty video game, or wring the last drops of use out of me today and have me be nothing but a brick tomorrow. Fat lot of good that would do you.

    ME: Do you really think so?

    BRAIN: I know so.

    ME: Could we do something else? Something that feels less like skiving? Like, oh, practise the cello?

    BRAIN: Again? We did that twice yesterday, plus had a lesson. We’ve practised once already today. No, no cello for you.

    ME: Sorting through tax stuff, maybe?

    BRAIN: No, we did that on Monday. Not a lot of it, true, but even a bit is more than enough for a week like this.

    ME: You won’t be moved?

    BRAIN: Nope.

    ME: Fine. Have it your way. I give up. HRH is bringing beer home tonight because we’re both home to watch Bones, so maybe we’ll have that last glass of red wine I’ve been saving while we play.

    BRAIN: Wiktory!

Accomplished

So far today I have handled a lot of correspondence, confirmed the final contributor to the anthology (all slots are officially filled, hurrah!), made a batch of bread dough, made a batch of sweet roll dough, practised the cello, and various and sundry little stuff. Yesterday afternoon I did eight pages of this weekend’s workshop, which was very encouraging indeed, and began hatching ideas for more. I think I’m going to add modules on some of the basic things like mindfulness that I talk about in the book, as well as some practical stuff on cleansing and purification and balancing the energy of a space. This will work. I will fill up three hours. I’ve got a stack of books to bring with me, too, that talk about different aspects of the subjects I’m going to touch on for people to look at over the break or at the end of the day.

(Pardon me while I quietly freak out for a moment again: Seventeen. People.)

And it’s only eleven o’clock! A good day so far indeed.

In Which She Attempts To Discipline Her Brain Cells

Dear brain:

I appreciate that you’re proud of finished the novel. Really, I am. However, the point in finishing this first draft of novel before the beginning of March was so that it wouldn’t eat up valuable energy that needed to be directed into the anthology and other things. For example, there is a three-hour hearthcraft workshop that you will be delivering to (at last count) SEVENTEEN PEOPLE this Saturday. (I pause here in order to give you the appropriate time in which to freak out, o brain.) The hour-long brief lecture you did at the Hamilton Pagan Pride day isn’t going to work for this. You need to really, really plan out a better-organised and more detailed outline. A craft, maybe? Guided meditations? Break into small discussion groups? Something. Because, really, brain: Three hours. Think of something good.

Also, I am very proud of you for doing as much work as you’ve done today on the anthology. You’re completely up to date. All info you’ve received so far has been slotted into the correct fields in the correct files, submissions have been reviewed, and everyone who has handed in their story has had a contract sent to them. You’ve done everything you can do so far. That’s great. But that doesn’t mean you get the rest of the day off. It’s been a good morning of work, but a good morning and being totally on top of things in one project doesn’t entitle you to an afternoon off the other pending things. (See above re. workshop.)

You can edit the novel when the anthology has been handed at the end of the month. Four weeks. You have to ignore it for one month. Make longhand notes if you can’t wait. But no opening the file.

You may try to cast on that damed fingering weight yarn for the wrist warmers yet again if you need a break. (Yes, I thought that would send you skittering for the workshop files in tears.)

Weekend Roundup

Lying awake during one of the long wakeful stretches I had last night, I finally realised something. I’m somewhat shutting down overall. It’s a temporary thing, but it’s what’s happening in order to maintain basic services. I also finally talked to HRH about something that I’d figured out earlier, namely that I’m being immensely stressed by a set of circumstances from which there doesn’t appear to be any alternative other than trashing the whole plan, which is stressful in a different way. (And I did it in casual fashion, too, while we were making dinner on Sunday, instead of actually sitting down and talking about it face to face, which would have been its own kind of stress.)

Saturday morning I had my cello lesson, and it began beautifully. I did a smooth, beautiful tonalization sequence of arpeggios, and it was really even and balanced and in tune and soft and there are lots of other pretty words I could use to describe it because it was almost perfect. My teacher asked me how I felt about it and I kind of shrugged and said, “It was nice. I liked it.” (Which was an understatement, because I had been amazed at how smooth and effortless it had been, but it was a warm-up and I hadn’t been paying very close attention when I did it.) She said, “Well, I have goosebumps! That was beautiful!” And she was partly kidding, and partly not. But then everything started to go downhill, until it hit the usual point about two-thirds of the way through the lesson where it can’t get any worse and I start to freeze up because nothing I do works and I waver between abject misery and anger. I know what happens: my teacher starts pointing out things we need to fix and I try to keep it all in my mind, and the more I try to think about everything (bring the left elbow forward a degree more when shifting up and crossing a string, wrap the bow around the string by moving the right elbow forward or back, pronate hands, caterpillars, tunnels) the worse I play. Adding more things to the list of things I need to constantly check clogs up my brain and I start dropping basic things I’ve already internalized. It’s part of the learning process, but not a part I especially enjoy.

My teacher has an analogy for this: It’s like the drive shaft on a set of train wheels. At first it feels like you’re moving forward, but then the drive shaft starts going through the second half of the cycle and the illusion of going backward is created, even though the overall unit is still moving forward. And if I think about it I’m doing things now that I couldn’t do two months ago. But that doesn’t particularly comfort me at the two-thirds point of the lesson. My teacher told me as I was packing up to remember the tonalization, though, and to remind myself frequently that I have the wherewithal to make that beautiful sound.

It’s also rather frustrating because I’ve been spending so much practise time on the orchestra music and not paying attention to my lesson stuff, and as a result when I played the Lee that I’d played well a month ago it was awful and we had to spend time addressing the problems there. The plan for two spring/early summer concerts has been dropped (not directly related to how poorly I’m doing, but rather to people not all being available) and so I don’t need to worry about having it ready until a month after the original deadline, which after this past lesson is a good thing.

Saturday night we had dinner at Ceri and Scott’s house, where we met Scott’s brother and sister in law who are terrific people. After dinner a few more people showed up for a Rock Band party, although I spent most of my time upstairs by the fire knitting, which was delightful and relaxing and exactly what I needed.

Sunday morning the boy had his Pagan playgroup where they cut out a circle divided into sections to make up the Wheel of the Year, and drew pictures in each section to indicate what holiday or season it indicated. It took him longer to cut out his circle than any of the other kids, but I don’t think he’s ever used scissors for more than making random decorative cuts on scraps of paper. In some of the sections he scribbled random shapes, but in others he drew very specific and recognisable things: a tree for Beltaine, the sun for summer solstice, a loaf of bread and corn on the cob for Lughnassadh, autumn leaves for the autumn equinox, a pumpkin for Samhain. He drew a Christmas tree-shaped scribble for Yule (but in red instead of green), and he coloured the entire Imbolc wedge red and told me it was fire. Ostara was a blue scribble that is the Easter Bunny, apparently. The other topic of discussion was gods and goddesses, and when the facilitator asked who knew what a god or goddess was his hand shot up into the air along with his gods-sister’s, who fortunately was the one called on to explain. While she was talking he turned to me and said, “They’re statues!” Which is a logical answer from him because in our house we do have an inordinate amount of divine statuary, but would have by necessity initiated a discussion regarding representations versus the real thing that probably wouldn’t have been easily understandable for kids. We’ll work on that at home.

All in all, apart from the comfort of Saturday night, the weekend was… well, it’s over. Maybe my sleep patterns will settle into something better than three broken hours a night, and other things will improve as a result.

Imbolc Poetry Web 2009!

Every year on February 2 a web of poetry winds its way through the Internet in honour of Brighid, the Celtic goddess associated with inspiration and poets. This year’s invitation is here, reproduced on blogs and journals across the world; the original blogger who began the annual tradition says of it, “Why? Some poetry is warming. It cracks the ice in the heart of the Earth to remind her that spring is just around the corner. Or … if you live south of the equator, choose poetry to cool the heart of the Earth so as to remind her fall is coming.” The blog that first introduced me to the poetry web and reminds me of it annually is Pandora’s Ephemera Ephemerae.

Brid is the goddess to whom I am sworn, and that’s probably not a surprise for those who know how much music, writing, and art mean to me. I figured she would be much too obvious and so I looked everywhere else when starting on my spiritual path, until I realised that Brid was bashing me on the head with the proverbial Divine clue by four. I love participating in this poetry web every year. The idea of poems, pictures in words that capture something emotional that prose handles very differently, twining throughout the Internet enchants me.

This is my poetry offering this year.

    It was a hard thing to undo this knot.
    The rainbow shines but only in the thought
    Of him that looks. Yet not in that alone,
    For who makes rainbows by invention?
    And many standing round a waterfall
    See one bow each, yet not the same to all,
    But each a hand’s breadth further than the next.
    The sun on falling waters writes the text
    Which yet is in the eye or in the thought.
    It was a hard thing to undo this knot.

    ~1862, Gerard Manley Hopkins
    “It was a hard thing to undo this knot”

Do you have a poem you’d like to share? A favourite? Something that speaks to your soul right now for some reason? Or perhaps something you’ve written yourself? Take the invitation and spread it far and wide, with joy. For the web of poetry to be connected in cyberspace as well as the world and our hearts, all I ask is that you link back to this post and to the original invitation to help others find it. If you post a poem, leave a comment here with a link to it (if you can, yes, I know there are issues with the comment box not being available off and on), and leave a comment with a link to it at the other poetry posts you read today, too, in order to help weave the web. Enjoy exploring the poetry by following the links you find.

Have a blessed and healing Imbolc, Gentle Readers. The flame in our hearts burns steadily against the coldness of the world. Every poem, every new word set down lights another candle against the darkness.