Category Archives: Spirituality

Criticise This

It occurred to me on the way home from dropping Liam off to play with his Auntie Pasley that my inner critic has been taking over my brain for the past three weeks. It’s been scraping away at my spirituality (why do I bother?), my writing (I have a book coming out in a month, so of course now I’m waking up at night desperately wishing I’d left something out, or included something else, or said something differently), and my music (I’ve been tame in how I’ve expressed myself here over the past few days to protect audience and fellow bandmates from my self-loathing). I’m surprised it hasn’t told me that I’m a bad mother yet, because Liam’s not napping as long as he should and waking up at night.

But you know what? My inner critic can go take a long walk off a short pier.

We now return me to my regular scheduled programming. I’m passably good at some of what I do, really good at most of it, and I enjoy myself. So my inner critic can just go hang out with the bottom feeders in the cold murky muddy depths of the seaway.

Gig Minus Five Hours And Counting

We had a good, solid dress rehearsal this morning where we got some blank-memory moments out of our systems, committed music (there were goosebumps!), and were in general pleased with how things happened. I am personally satisfied with my bits in the IBFKATCS. I’m looking forward to the gig tonight.

I had my first soft-serve ice cream cone of the year yesterday. Chocolate and vanilla swirl, dipped in hard chocolate coating. Delicious.

And happy Earth Day to all!

Random Thoughts

I so desperately miss writing. Writing as my day job, I mean. Having a notebook next to the bed so I can jot things down as I fall asleep isn’t the same. I miss growing a story, I miss taking an idea and developing it through a chapter of NF, I miss being ambushed by a scene or story that has to be written right now, and I miss the feeling of being drained but happy with the number of words I set down during a work session. I even miss growling about how badly the writing’s going, because even then there’s some writing of substance happening. And I even miss this.

And before anyone helpfully hops in with ideas, please understand that I’m not in need of solutions to give myself writing time. My life is different right now, and I understand that; I knew what I was signing up for when I had the baby. I’m glad to have this journal in which to record thoughts and comments and the daily swing of things; that’s my writing right now. I’m just nostalgic for the huge part of my life that writing fiction and non-fic for publication used to occupy.

We had to take Liam’s mobile down yesterday because he’s perfected standing up in the crib. It’s got a funky bend in it that turns it into a base-with-light-and-music-mobile thing, though, so we’ve got it standing on his dresser now like a lamp.

It was nice to go to bed last night with part of the day and my mood salvaged. We finally got most of the coven together to make the coven incense, and it’s divine. The whole house smells fantastic. This is the project we began at Imbolc, pinpointing the three main things our coven works for (protection, healing, and spiritual growth) and then brainstorming ingredients to reflect those things. We tested them one by one to sense energy and scent, and blended three trial batches with slight variations for everyone to test at home on their own and report back. In the end we have thirteen components plus our signature ingredient (real maple syrup!), and last night they all blended beautifully. It went a long way towards soothing the badness of the day away. That’s a sign of success, in my opinion. If the energy released by burning this incense (or simply smelling the mix!) grounds while simultaneously uplifting the spirit, then it’s accomplished a lot of its goal. Now I just need to use it in ritual to get a sense of how it functions there.

Witches Weekly Questions

Witches Weekly August 28, 2004: Politics

1. Do you feel those with pagan beliefs should attempt to take more of a political stand?

I feel that religion and spirituality has nothing to do with how politically active an individual should or should not be. That’s up to the individual. I would never stand for a religion or spirituality dictating my political behaviour to me. Certainly, I tend to be more vocal concerning areas honoured by pagan paths, such as environmental issues, the right to expression, the freedom of religion, health care, and education; this, however, is a result of common interests, not due to my involvement as a pagan or my commitment to the Wiccan path.

2. Is paganism openly accepted where you are from? (city, town, state)

Sure. Here in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, we have a handful of metaphysical shops, there are outdoor rituals in public places, and the major anglophone newspaper does articles on the spirituality of pagans, not the sensational aspect. Canada in general tends to not get its knickers in a knot about alternative spirituality. (Don’t get us started on the archaic laws still on the books, however.)

3. Given your beliefs, what’s one thing that a political figure could promise to you about your path, that would convince you to vote for them?
No single promise would convince me to vote for anyone. I consider it my responsibility as a citizen to not be swayed by single issues, so I look at the entire platform. An individual could promise me a 100% increase in recycling investment, and if I didn’t look at the rest of the platform I might allow education cuts, a reduction in rights and freedoms to slip by. That’s irresponsible.

Come the restoration of the monarchy, however, things will be much improved. Hail to the king!

Challenges

I’ve been faced with a couple of difficult choices recently.

The first concerns the fact that I’ve lately struggled with wanting desperately to take up dancing again. I’ve always wanted to go back, but over the past ten years I’ve come up with every reason in the book to avoid it: I haven’t the money, I’m working too hard, I haven’t the time, there’s no studio near me, I’m shy, etcetera. The single sample class I took a decade ago ended in tears and a vow to never, ever show my face in a studio room again. Looking back, accepting the invitation of a sample class towards the end of a semester was really stupid, because I measured myself (having not danced at all for nine years) against women who had been training for fourteen solid weeks. Barre work was all right, but I stumbled badly in my floor work, and couldn’t remember the moves to match the names the teacher called out in combination sequences as we performed them across the room one by one. It scarred me badly.

I’m taking sample classes at two different ballet studios at the beginning of September. In both, I’ll be starting from the very basic beginner’s classes once again, to preserve mental and emotional sanity as well as to be kind to my body. I’ve retained most of my flexibility and posture (training for six years as your body forms and grows will do that for you), but muscles evolve with you, and I’m not stupid enough to think that I can just jump into an advanced class right off the bat.

So, there; one of my difficult choices. I’ll be dancing at one or both of them this fall.

The second difficult choice revolves around something very personal and emotional that occurred to me four and a half years ago (which scarred much deeper than the dancing issue). It took me quite some time to heal from the original experience, and I eventually dealt with it and moved on (without the other individual in my life, by my choice; I don’t hold grudges, I just don’t offer people the second chance to backstab me). On Sunday, this situation and the individual originally involved in it were resurrected in my memory by three different people, at three distinctly different and unrelated times.

I had a hard time working through what I was supposed to do about this, because I didn’t know what lesson Spirit was trying to teach me: how to surrender and accommodate, or how to say no. I’m very good — too good, some have said — at accommodating. I am bad, very bad, at saying no. In this instance, choosing to accommodate means that other people receive a lower-quality service. After the summer I have had, and the experiences I went through at the spiritual retreat ten days ago, and after meditation and divination and discussion with a couple of people I trust, I have chosen to interpret this as a lesson in saying no. The quality of my teaching and facilitating other people’s spiritual growth is very important to me, and I won’t have that interfered with. I owe that to my students, who trust me.

Trying to puzzle out which lesson I was to be learning through this was not fun. Both outcomes had drawbacks. Whichever lesson I followed through, there was pain and disappointment. Another one of those no-win, choose-the-lesser-evil situations. I had a very emotional day as I evaluated who I was, who I had been, and who I wanted to be in the future. I’ve made my choice now, and it’s the right one.

These are two very different challenges I have worked through. They both involve dealing with pride and spirituality: one expressed through movement and discipline; the other through a final emotional purging, a recognition that everything changes, and an acceptance of a teacher’s full responsibility, which sometimes must include saying no.

Whew. Can I get off the growing-up treadmill for a bit now, please? Just for a rest?

Witches Weekly Questions

Witches Weekly August 21, 2004: Random Questions

1. Have you ever been confronted with a decision you had to make that conflicted with your spiritual beliefs? If so, what, and how did you deal with it?

No. My faith is all about taking the responsibility for every one of your actions on your own shoulders.

The main lesson I learned in the early years of practicing Wicca concerned the “harm none” rule. No one, absolutely no one, can go through life without harming someone or something. I grew to understand that a Wiccan must temper the “harm none” law with the belief that allowing harm to perpetuate elsewhere is wrong, and that standing by doing nothing is in itself causing harm. Loving the evildoer isn’t the way to redeem them; it’s just not going to happen. Thus, engaging in less than ethical action to stop evil from perpetuating is at times necessary. I firmly believe that we’re often faced with situations where the choice can only be the action “which is less wrong.” I also accept the karmic burden for taking those actions.

(The fact that there are no such concepts as pure “evil” or “good” complicates matters, but that’s a discussion for another day. Right and wrong are always subjective, and often situational as well. Hitting someone is generally perceived as wrong, but if you do it to turn someone aside from harming someone else (after trying other methods) then it’s right. You’re still going to have to take responsibility for it, though; you can’ escape the fact that you hit someone. Actions are dependent upon the individual, the situation, and the pressing need of a resolution. Heck, I’m not going to reiterate the Ethics chapter of the bloody book; just read it when it comes out next May, all right?)

2. What was your most spiritual moment?

I have absolutely no clue. I have frequent little spiritual moments; I can’t isolate one of them as “the most spiritual.” To me, spirituality is a life-suffusing concept. Even a small spiritual moment can change your life, and continuously informs the next moment as well as the one before it.

If you pressed me, though, I’d have to choose between the moments directly following my wedding ceremony, and my third degree ceremony. And perhaps my second degree ceremony as well. These just happen to have been facilitated by someone else; it’s not the fact that they’re ceremonies which makes them spiritual. Rather, it’s the depth of the spiritual transformation which occured during those ceremonies that makes them stand out.

3. Has there ever been a moment where you doubted the path you were on? If so, how did you deal with it?

In the ten years I have followed it, I have never doubted my adherence to the Wiccan faith. I have, however, doubted what I’m doing within it, though: teaching, writing, counseling, and so forth. These doubts are mini spiritual crises which pass after meditation, divination, consulting with others, and rest (they’re often a direct result of being overworked and overtired). Someone once told me the fact that I wonder about my suitability for helping others probably means I’m the right person to do it. Sigh. There’s no escape, is there.