Category Archives: Ephemera

Bill Gates Big Book Of Wicca

1. The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.

2. Iconology was be a major chapter.

3. A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.

4. Your broom would crash at least once a week.

5. Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.

6. A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.

7. A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.

8. Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.

9. If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.

10. At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.

11. You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (And cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.)

12. The spells would be called simply “Banish,” “Purify,” “Dedicate,” etc., and these names would be trademarked so that no one else could use them.

13. Everyone would use the spells in the book, because everyone would have it laying around and could assume others knew it too. In an unfamiliar group, you could be sure that everyone knows “Banish,” so it would be convenient, and you would get used to it.

14. It would be illegal to let other people cast the spells in your book or vice versa. (Of course, everyone would do it anyway.)

15. The book would be outrageously expensive. Other, cheaper books would exist, and also free ones on the internet, but it would be harder to use them because you wouldn’t be familiar with them and you’d have to get used to a whole different metaphor. Most people would think it perfectly reasonable to use Bill Gates’ book and pay his fees.

16. If you had questions about the spells in the book, you’d have to call in to an enormous tech support system and pay for “incidents.” (Or get your 9 year old niece to show you what to do.)

17. Due to agreements with altar manufacturers, the book would be packaged with every altar sold, and you would have to pay for a new book when buying a new altar. Furthermore, no one would be allowed to use the book they already bought with a new altar, only with the altar the book was purchased with. To use the book with a new altar, it would be necessary to buy a new copy of the book for the new altar, and throw the old copy away (like OEM operating systems).

(Author unknown; various versions exist. I found this one via Butterflies in my Stomach.)

Giddy

I found the first ant of the summer in the bedroom. I tried to point it out to Nixie and Maggie, but they ignored it, so I gave up and squished it.

It kept moving. Not thrashing, or death throes; I’m talking moving in a straight line, moving with a purpose and a goal.

I squished it again.

“It’s still moving!” I said in disbelief.

“Then kill it,” said HRH.

“I have! Twice!”

And then — I don’t know, it must be the heady knowledge that I did over 5K today, or the sugar coursing through my bloodstream — I said:

“It must be a reven-ant!”

And I giggled. I giggled so hard that tears came to my eyes, and I couldn’t find the ant to deliver the ultimate killing blow. HRH looked at me for a moment, then returned to looking for a clean shirt.

“Your mother is nuts,” he said to the cats.

“I know. You get used to it,” Maggie told him. And off I went, still giggling.

(d) none of the above

In a quiz to determine which Angel character I most resemble, my answer turned out to be (and to no one’s surprise, I’m sure):

“You are Fred! Sweet, sensitive, and a little quirky. Though incredibly smart, you have a tendency to confuse people. You are well-liked, but can be a little clingy. When you are brought out of your shell, you really shine!”

So, what; on a bad day, does this make me Illyria?

Wesley is dead. I am feeling grief for him. I can’t seem to control it. I wish to do more violence.

Coffee, Tea, Me

According to a coffee quiz, my personality type is classified as “Peppermint Cappuccino: You’re fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart – and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You’re the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please.”

Well, I’m amused. I’m not so sure about the trying anything new, and I actually prefer to drink my coffee alone, usually with a book. The quiz actually had decent questions though – certainly better than the writing quiz a couple of weeks ago – with answers I could choose because they were right, as opposed to selecting the one I disliked the least.

In order to achieve balance in all things, I looked for a tea quiz, and found two. The first one, which told me that I was “hot herbal tea: a spa for the soul,” wasn’t very deep. The second one would have been better if the author hadn’t expressed his/her own preferences in the questions, but it’s well-rounded, and even offers the option of rating the importance of the answer. The author indicates in the preamble that “Note- Black teas should only be made with boiling water, mostly. Green teas should never, ever be made with boiling water. For green tea, about 180 F is a good temperature to go by, mostly. If green tea is infused with boiling water, the tea will taste bitter and flat, and you will have wasted your money”, which is some of the best advice I’ve seen included in any quiz.

The answers are better than most quizzes, and they are twenty-five of them provided in a ranked order as per your quiz answers. I’m posting the first half of my answers to educate you about different teas. (They needed a bit of editing, like the quiz does, but the basic info is good):

1. Jasmine Green, intoxicatingly fragrant green tea I drink this already.
2. “Constant Comment”, wonderful black tea with orange rind and cloves I drink this too – t! introduced it to me years ago, and the irony of the name is just too good to pass up.
3. Dragon Well, rare Chinese green tea, quite refreshing This is actually already on my list of teas to try.
4. Genmaicha, green tea with toasted rice, a traditional japanese creation I love Genmaicha!
5. Earl Grey, black tea with oil of bergamot oranges, a classic blend Well, duh.
6. Pu-erh, highly aged China black tea, has an earthy, woody aroma, a bit of an acquired taste This is a new one to me.
7. Silver Needles, very very rare white tea, delicate, extremely light flavor, like hot water with a mere suggestion of tea in it Also new – sounds like I’d love it. And what a beautiful name!
8. Darjeeling, a lighter- bodied black tea, famous for its first and second flushes Again with the well, duh.
9. Ceylon, traditional black tea from Sri Lanka, very full, well-balanced tea Once in a while.
10. Chamomile (herbal blend), medicinal taste, good before bed I hated this until recently.
11. Lapsang Souchong, chinese black tea smoked over pine embers Mmmm – but I have to be in the mood for it.

Not bad. And the quiz serves a purpose, rather than just entertainment.

Some Extra Guidelines for my Cat, by Rosie

Dear Cat,

Recently, you have begun to bring mice into the house. It seems to me that perhaps, when we first praised you for this activity, we didn’t make it perfectly clear that the praise was due, in the most part, to the fact that the mouse in question was actually dead. Bringing live prey into the house, only to drop them and chase them half-assedly around the lounge, while we, The Humans, shut doors, move furniture and floor-things, and even pick you up and put you in the same corner as the mouse while you stare fixedly at the place the mouse was, like, five minutes ago – that’s not good.

In future, either:
a) bring dead prey (rodent, not bird) into the garage, only, and place on doormat
b) refrain from bringing any other form of prey into the house or garage
c) if a prey-creature “suddenly comes alive again” (whatever!) when you are bringing it inside, pay attention to where it is, and rectify the situation as rapidly as possible.

Regards,

Rosie

(found over at Slightly Bewildered)