Ah. I know this feeling. I have reached the ‘I will never get it, never, NEVER!’ portion of this book, and am figuratively bashing my forehead on the keyboard while moaning to myself about how awful it is, how it will never come together, how useless I am, how I must not care about it because I can’t rouse any passion about it these days, and why do I bother making more time to write (i.e. booking the boy in with the caregiver one more day each week) when it doesn’t happen?

(The answer: Because more time provides more opportunity for it to occur. Yes, it also creates more opportunity for self-loathing and despair, but that goes with the territory.)

Except it does happen, because although I don’t produce as much as I feel I ought to produce (curse you, unrealistic expectations of maintaining ridiculous output!), every day the book inches closer to being a full first draft. It’s just not inching along fast enough for the manager part of my brain. The rest of my mind is limping along asking piteously what the managing bit wants from it, because it’s doing all it can.

Also, I am tired of dealing with this ongoing damn pain. It can just go away. I’m almost afraid to think of how bad it would be by now without the medication.

2 thoughts on “Girning

  1. Rosy

    Re: your entire 1st paragraph: If I could crush that terrible “shithead” voice in your brilliant head I would! Why do we do this to ourselves?

    Re: “the damn pain” – I thought of you this morning reading the paper. I emailed you the article. I don’t know how you’d managed to squeeze another activity in, but one never knows!

    Take care of yourself — I know it will all get done and be brilliant — you should know (and tell shithead that) too!

  2. Talyesin

    See, I wish my productive time wasn’t early mornings, because, well, that’s when other stuff happens, like work, showers, breakfast, email, etc. Not to mention laying in bed and snuggling with small dogs (man I need to find a girlfriend).

    The evening would be a GREAT time to be productive, but by the end of the day, not so much. My cousin’s most productive time is between midnight and 2:00am, so I suppose it could be worse.


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