Daily Archives: June 15, 2002

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Hmm. I’ve been looking over the last few entries, and I seem to have a one-track mind. Just to prove to you that I’m not completely obsessed with my back:

NSW tonight! Blasters and Force points have already been packed and are waiting by the door!

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I’m sitting perched on my ergonomic kneely-chair, which is certainly not serving me ergonomically at the moment: my feet are up on the knee part and Maggie in on my lap. I keep bending down to kiss her between her ears, which is lovely and soft and she smells good, but the motion is not serving my back well at all!

I’m feeling rather foolish and guilty this morning. I came home from work early yesterday on the edge because I couldn’t stop my back from hurting – my Secret Weapon was useless. Trying to explain it to someone, I used the feeling of being hit with a baseball or a bat as a comparative image – you know, that sudden breathless feeling? Another good one would be if you’ve ever fallen flat on your back while on ice skates: you feet are in the air, then you land square on your back. If I had to register the pain on a Pain-O-Metre, I think it would end up being surprisingly low. It’s just the eternal-ness of it. It hurts to breathe. (Not to mislead you about the pain, though; the Pain-O-Metre would indeed register spikes, when I try to move a way my spine decides I shouldn’t, and I get spasms. Lovely.)

Anyway, what ended up happening is that when I got home, I fell onto my bed and realised that I couldn’t get up. I shed a few angry tears, then dozed a bit until the husband came home. He had to call someone we were supposed to pick up to take to an evening gathering to tell her he’d be late. She ended up calling back to tell him the gathering was cancelled.

Now, sure, other factors were likely involved, but, as usual, I feel responsible. I know they really wanted me there, but I couldn’t face an hour in the car, let alone wandering around a forest. Ergo, common sense says I had to stay home. Not being able to get out of bed is usually a good indication of this. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel dreadful. I feel like I’m lying to everyone somehow: I’m leaving work early, I’m cancelling outings… I know I’m making people angry, and it just upsets me more.

My husband made me take two muscle relaxants, which knocked me out as usual, since the brilliant medical world can’t seem to develop a muscle relaxant that isn’t also a sedative. While I was out, he picked up the fixings for dinner and made mushroom rice and some lovely pork tenderloin, which was yummy and very welcome when I woke up again a couple of hours later. I took two more muscle relaxants this morning, did the requisite dozing-whilst-knocked-out, and experimented with getting up. Now I’m trying to psyche myself up for work again. It’s raining, and I’ve been told that if it’s quiet, I can go home. We shall see.

Yes, I called the osteopath and put myself on their cancellation list. If someone cancels their appointment, they are to call me at home and at work, no matter when.

Maybe I’ll just lie still for two months and not move. And I keep coming back to the “what did I do to deserve this?” train of thought, no matter how I try to stay away from it.